the manual

life is confusion and passion,
so you better keep your seat belt on
read the manual
and try to handle it all as best you can

watch out for specific eating utensils,
and other hazardous, but simple
obstructions on your road of life
and be certain you're turning right
before you turn off the light

know who you're sharing with
and never bet or regret or wish bad things
cause karma's a bitch, but
a vigilant one who'll life you
up or leave you, well, in a ditch

don't waste your time playing
foolish games or saying
things that aren't true or
you, you'll be a fool and
ha, nobody'll like you

but don't pass up an opportunity
to be loved, even in its
most naïve ways, cause
your days'll be good and
you'll be safe and late for
work, but, oh, well,
who cares, life is confusion (and passion),
so don't ever forget you
need fusion, not fission
so make a decision
and be happy.

These words just came out one day. I feel a bit as though this poem was inspired by the style of Ms. DiFranco, though it would certainly pale in comparison to any legitimate love child of art. I printed out a few copies of this and used it as wrapping paper for a gift I gave to Kevin on his birthday. Seems like it was in November or so? I can't remember what the actual gift was. In retrospect, this poem reminds me a lot of Kevin. Was he my subconscious muse?

the barren earth

the snow gently falls to cover the
            barren earth
the beautiful reflection of light,
the calm, cold wind
the bitter, harsh air;
they're gone.

all that remains,
i have fallen so far.

my reason, my confidence,
my life, my love
have gone.

in this dark forest,
i am alone.
            i am all alone.

all that remains,
i have fallen,
i have fallen so far.

I look back at this poem as one of the most visual I've ever written, just above fall for love. I think the sentiment is pretty obvious, and this was written in a pretty dark moment, one of the darkest I have ever had, but not quite the darkest. Still, when I read it, I see a beautiful, if very, very cold, picture in my mind. Time and experiences change my retrospective view of this, certainly.

for a moment

for a moment, i felt safe
for a moment, i felt loved
if for only a moment,
it was a harsh laugh.
it is some cruel joke,
at my expense.
for a moment, i felt whole
i felt you, for a moment
for only a moment.

Obviously one of those impulse feelings, inspired by a number of emotions... Possibly betrayal? Certainly of some kind of loss.

secrets

i can't understand you
i can't find your heart
i'm walking through your secrets
it's tearing me apart

i can't see your tears
i can't touch your hand
if only i could help you
if only i could understand

your walls seem insurmountable
your scars far too deep
your mirrors can only hide you
when others fail to seek

i know this may hurt me
i've felt this love before
i know how this story ends
but i can't let you cry anymore

i can see the pain inside you
i can kiss away your tears
you have to let me try
let me quiet your fears

i can't promise you the world
i can only promise you my love
i can't promise you forever
because that isn't long enough

of the few things i know
this i know for sure:
i won't ever hurt you
like others have before

This was inspired by Dustin. During the fall and autumn of that year, we talked for hours on the phone every day. I came to know a lot about him, the things that he wanted me to know. I think I inadvertently learned other things about him in that process. No matter how I look at it now, my intuition at the time, as I expressed here, was sadly true, in even the ways I didn't quite understand then. I only wish he had believed me, but moreso, himself.