the manual

life is confusion and passion,
so you better keep your seat belt on
read the manual
and try to handle it all as best you can

watch out for specific eating utensils,
and other hazardous, but simple
obstructions on your road of life
and be certain you're turning right
before you turn off the light

know who you're sharing with
and never bet or regret or wish bad things
cause karma's a bitch, but
a vigilant one who'll life you
up or leave you, well, in a ditch

don't waste your time playing
foolish games or saying
things that aren't true or
you, you'll be a fool and
ha, nobody'll like you

but don't pass up an opportunity
to be loved, even in its
most naïve ways, cause
your days'll be good and
you'll be safe and late for
work, but, oh, well,
who cares, life is confusion (and passion),
so don't ever forget you
need fusion, not fission
so make a decision
and be happy.

These words just came out one day. I feel a bit as though this poem was inspired by the style of Ms. DiFranco, though it would certainly pale in comparison to any legitimate love child of art. I printed out a few copies of this and used it as wrapping paper for a gift I gave to Kevin on his birthday. Seems like it was in November or so? I can't remember what the actual gift was. In retrospect, this poem reminds me a lot of Kevin. Was he my subconscious muse?

the barren earth

the snow gently falls to cover the
            barren earth
the beautiful reflection of light,
the calm, cold wind
the bitter, harsh air;
they're gone.

all that remains,
i have fallen so far.

my reason, my confidence,
my life, my love
have gone.

in this dark forest,
i am alone.
            i am all alone.

all that remains,
i have fallen,
i have fallen so far.

I look back at this poem as one of the most visual I've ever written, just above fall for love. I think the sentiment is pretty obvious, and this was written in a pretty dark moment, one of the darkest I have ever had, but not quite the darkest. Still, when I read it, I see a beautiful, if very, very cold, picture in my mind. Time and experiences change my retrospective view of this, certainly.

for a moment

for a moment, i felt safe
for a moment, i felt loved
if for only a moment,
it was a harsh laugh.
it is some cruel joke,
at my expense.
for a moment, i felt whole
i felt you, for a moment
for only a moment.

Obviously one of those impulse feelings, inspired by a number of emotions... Possibly betrayal? Certainly of some kind of loss.

secrets

i can't understand you
i can't find your heart
i'm walking through your secrets
it's tearing me apart

i can't see your tears
i can't touch your hand
if only i could help you
if only i could understand

your walls seem insurmountable
your scars far too deep
your mirrors can only hide you
when others fail to seek

i know this may hurt me
i've felt this love before
i know how this story ends
but i can't let you cry anymore

i can see the pain inside you
i can kiss away your tears
you have to let me try
let me quiet your fears

i can't promise you the world
i can only promise you my love
i can't promise you forever
because that isn't long enough

of the few things i know
this i know for sure:
i won't ever hurt you
like others have before

This was inspired by Dustin. During the fall and autumn of that year, we talked for hours on the phone every day. I came to know a lot about him, the things that he wanted me to know. I think I inadvertently learned other things about him in that process. No matter how I look at it now, my intuition at the time, as I expressed here, was sadly true, in even the ways I didn't quite understand then. I only wish he had believed me, but moreso, himself.

Today

one day we will unite in our diversity
and not divide by our differences
one day we will respect ourselves and others
there will be a day

one day we will all smile
and not jeer, and yell, and kill each other
one day we will know harmony
there will be a day

one day we will embrace our neighbor
one day we will be joyous in our peace
one day we will accomplish these things
let us begin this day

Today.

This poem was certainly inspired by my knowing Layne. I feel very much as though it is my thread of Maya Angelou's On the Pulse of Morning.

On the Floor

I remember the locked door
As you walked away
The words I couldn't say
Me, lying, crying on the floor

I remember your smile
That hid your tears
That covered all your fears
Their intentions, oh so vile

I remember all that long ago
Only yesterday
And still, today, it hurts me so
It hurts me to this day

This was one of the few poems I've written so long after the inspiring event has passed. In the winter of 1998, I got to know someone, and this is about having that person ripped out of my life, and the helplessness I felt then and the pain I continued to feel. And still do feel.

i am

your words were poison
slowly stealing my life away

your eyes were piercing
like bullets, missiles

your jeers were virulent
earthquakes shaking my ground

your threats were terror
from which i could not hide

but i rebuilt
i dodged
i held steady
and i ran

here i am
now what can you say
yes, i suffered, though i am stronger
now what can you say

Another situation-long-since-removed thought. This is one of the most in-your-face and directed ones I've ever written, about the guys at my high school who had worked to make my life Hell. I think of it as almost vindictive in its tone. It reminds me much of the general emotion that Anastacia uses in the songs she writes (though I had no idea who she was at the time).

Mixed Emotions

I promised myself that my heart would be safe,
Perhaps wear a coat to cover my sleeve.
I promised myself I'd not fall for you,
But that was before you smiled and I tripped.
I promised myself that I would be stoic and reserved,
And that lasted for the first ten minutes.

When I see you, I feel so wonderful.
You make me laugh, you make me smile.
But then the silence, and I don't know what to say.
I'm alone in a crowd, the only one who knows you.
The only one who knows you.

I promised myself that my life would be mine,
Then you stole my heart and my time.
I promised myself reason would be first,
But I can't make you second.
I promised myself I'd be rational,
Man, that was a joke.

I promise myself I'll not let you hurt me.

Another poem inspired by Dustin. He had and has an incredible ability to make me laugh, but he has also perfected the art of making me cry. I wrote this in a moment to which I think I first realized I loved him, but also in which I, for the first time, caught a glimpse of the side of him that would haunt me (and does still).

Our Picture of Happiness

All men were created equal
Endowed by their creator with rights
To seek happiness, be free, and just be, or maybe be all right

At first we forgot about women
Then divided ourselves by colors of skin
And now we’ve decided, that love, too, is a sin

In our picture of happiness
We think we’ve forgotten black and white
For now we’ll focus on excluding those we don’t think right

Being is fairly easy, but nothing in life is free
We’ve gotten rid of “their” creator
Instead opting for “He”

And the poorer, well they’re poorer… And happiness now has a fee!
And wisdom, too, has been improved!
By money, power, and greed

All the while we’ve spent thousands remodeling our kitchens with expanded capacity!
And soon thereafter we mailed our $20
To feed the hungry

Disease we’ve seen spread, and we would’ve done more
But the threat of incoming ballistic missiles
Matters just a tad bit more

But for now, we’ll focus on making war
‘Cause tranquility and peace
Well, they just don’t matter anymore.

I wrote this as an expatriate while I was in Germany. It is one of the few poems that seemed to flow out of me, and very much inspired by Ms. DiFranco. It's quite cynical, probably the most I've written. Some might feel it is unpatriotic, but the sentiment wasn't limited to my own country, only amplified by it.

fall for love

i remember the cloudy sky
as we lay on the cold, hard ground
silently sharing our very different lives
nothing in the world had meaning except you and i

i remember the halo above the mountain
as the dark night was fading to the morning
wishing i could stay in that moment forever
wanting so much for reality to fall for love, if only once

i remember every moment we shared together
as we shattered conformity and popular nature
surrounded by those who dare not speak objection
perhaps the only time we will ever feel so much freedom

i remember, though, most of all, you
your smile, your eyes, your voice, your touch
so naïve, yet so wise; so uncertain, yet so sure
you remain a mystery, though forever more a loved one

One of the most sentimental poems I have ever written, in my mind. It is filled with lines that have ulterior meanings, and the poem itself has a very surreal motive.